Stuff Hipsters Like: How To Fake Having Read The Infinite Jest

It could be argued that David Foster Wallace's The Infinite Jest is the new Ulysses--at least, in terms of its idolization by cool literary types. At its publication in 1996, the novel met with ecstatic praise of its postmodern structure and language. Today, even the basest literature minor can reference The Infinite Jest off the cuff. If you can't, don't feel bad. Just know that this is why you can't get dates with girls who like Vampire Weekend.

You could read The Infinite Jest. However, it's 1078 indecipherable pages long (including almost a hundred pages of equally unreadable footnotes) and you probably have stuff to do. But don't despair! Here's a list of things you can do to pretend you actually tried.


1. Do your research. There are dozens of reviews of the book online, and the first thing you'll realize is that not even the intellectual bigwigs have any idea what it's about. (This will prove useful later on.) However, reading the reviews will help you get a feel for some basic plot points and the names of the characters. Hint: the main character is called Hal Incandenza.

2. Page through a copy at the local bookstore. No need to buy the thing. Just open it up if you get the chance. Only then will you truly understand what a horrendous slog it is. Also, how the book is structured. Taking a quick look at the structure will give you a few good talking points. Hints: it's separated into mini-chapters, some of which are labeled with a year to suggest time changes.

3. Read or Sparknotes Henry IV instead. When somebody mentions Infinite Jest, launch into a discussion of one of its influences, no matter how obscure. In fact, link it to something completely unrelated that you know about and discuss that. This got me into Hampshire College.

4. Drop some catchphrases. Find a way to work the following into everyday conversation: "howling fantods", "Year of the Trial-Size Dove Bar", "I believe Hobbes is just Rousseau in a dark mirror." Don't understand what those phrases mean? Neither does anyone else.

5. Make shit up. The Infinite Jest is too long for anyone to memorize. Not even David Foster Wallace knows everything that happens in it. Therefore, if you come up with your own subplot, nobody will know. This step is a lot easier if you know the characters' names, but there are so many digressions that any random composite of names will probably produce a character from the novel. If you follow the simple formula: character name + dismal situation in a preapocalyptic future + drug use, you're golden. Mention a word with the suffix "textuality", i.e., intertextuality, metatextuality, for even more points.