The internet done me wrong again

So Sony is making a game called "Fat Princess", where your chance of winning is increased by locking a princess in a room, force-feeding her cake to make her weigh more, thus making her hard to carry around. Take a minute to digest thLOL. Okay, sorry.

There is a ton of shit that sounds really damn offensive about this. You have to lock her in (as described by Yahoo!) a "dungeon". You have to force-feed her. So she gets fat. It portrays women as being unable to defend themselves. It portrays women as being objects to behold or be sought after for capturing. IT IS CALLED "FAT PRINCESS". It's hard to separate the offensive from the downright stupid, because both seem to be feasting on each other like fucking piranas here.

However, the real majesty of the Yahoo! article about this is the last three paragraphs. Seriously, it is fucking majestic:

Sony has yet to issue an official response, although Joystiq did receive a particularly informative update from James Green, Fat Princess' lead art director, who clued gamers in on the origins of the game:

"Does it make it better or worse that the concept artist (who designed the look, characters, everything) is a girl?"

Hmmm...hope the game's detractors don't mind eating a bit of crow.

HAHAHAHAHAH FUUUUUUCK YOU YAHOO! GAMER WRITING PERSON!

Holy shit, seriously, this is, like, the basic element of someone being offended. Intent is irrelevant. It doesn't matter what you were trying to do, all that matters is that people found it offensive and wished to tell you about it. Building on that, it also doesn't really matter who was trying to do anything. Women can offend other women. You know Ann Coulter? She offends everyone, women too! Of course she designed the look and the characters and what not - that was her job. She probably didn't find it offensive. That's fine. However, other people really really do. These feminists aren't trying to speak for all women - they're trying to speak for the type of women who sees a video game that children will probably play that revolves around kidnapping and force-feeding princesses. Just because one woman doesn't find it offensive and draws all the art and designs it means absolutely nothing. This crow will not be eaten. This crow shall fly, motherfuckers.

This article (and the linked Joystiq article and its comments) lead to the heart of this problem: people assume that there is pleasure in getting outraged at these things. They assume that we enjoy getting ourselves riled up and writing angry screeds over and over again. At least, I assume that's what they assume. I can see no other reason why people seem to get so mad at people for getting offended. It should be considered a rule of thumb on the internet that the faster and louder people are willing to shoot down any allegation, the more obvious it becomes that they aren't willing to confront the issue themselves. Perhaps if these people would stop talking about how much they hate femi-nazis for twelve seconds and think that maybe they aren't fairly portraying women in this and other forms of media, maybe there could be a dialogue. Maybe there could be something, some sort of evolution. But no. Never. No one wants evolution. People want the internet to remain a funtime happyplace where anyone can say whatever the hell they want and not have to worry about being offensive or whatever. So enjoy it, kids. Enjoy a culture that completely belittles women almost as a god damn bylaw and completely decimates any criticism on the fact. Enjoy your childish jokes and your hate-fueled stupidity. Enjoy yourselves, fuckos.

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Ultimate List: Unrequited Love

So many media blogs, so many of them do lists, right? Of course they do, they're fucking vultures who couldn't be creative with a stack of playdough and three hits of acid. So we here at DTC have had a hard time figuring out the list problem. Namely, how do we do lists that don't seem like everyone else's lists. New lists. Controversial lists. Listless lists that come on Listmas and live in Listbon. Here is one of undoubtedly at least three attempts to make the list as glorious as it once was.

First off: The ULTIMATE BEST!!!!
AHAHAHAHAH
WOOOOOOO
*73 minute guitar solo that would make Yngwie Malmsteen shit his chain mail underdrawers*

What is the ULTIMATE BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you may ask? It is simply a list of various types of media that represent a certain theme. This week, since it's Friday, the theme is Unrequited Love. This is most often experienced when MM goes out drinking on a Friday night, smears her makeup all over her face in a bathroom stall after doing too much X and cries her way back home when the bartender that seemed SO nice wouldn't go home with her. Also, Jena Malone won't return my god damn phone calls I BOUGHT STEPMOM ON DVD FOR NOTHING.

BEST ALBUM:



Black Sheep Boy, Okkervil River

The temptation, of course, is to put In The Aeroplane Over the Sea here simply to forward the argument. However, I really don't want to be one of those people who attempts to elevate interest by lying and making ridiculous statements (btw FUCK THE DARK NIGHT MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL = TEH FAT). As much as I love the Anne Frank mythology behind Neutral Milk Hotel's final album, everyone has to be able to recognize the wealth of other material in there.

Plainly put, Black Sheep Boy deserves this because unrequited love is all the album has going. This is not a negative, and also not a universal opinion, I'm sure (there is a lot of father daughter imagery to support such a theory). Rather, Will Sheff and crew does what the band does best: completely nail a story and its narrative over an album. The tale of the presumed Black SHeep Boy in love with a woman who constantly tells him no such love is possible. From the heartbreaking "A King and QUeen" through the final death knell in "A Glow", the album exists solely to tell the story of someone in love with what is not there, and all the efforts involved in extricating oneself from



BEST MOVIE, or film. Does film sound too pretentious? I'm gonna go with film.

BEST FILM



The Science of Sleep

Michel Gondry is my favorite director simply because he accomplishes my most pressing issue with film: how to make the love story interesting again. Other directors do a fine job with such a task, but few with the vigor and sweet tenacity of Gondry. The terrifyingly tender story of Science, where the chronically childish Cael Garcia Bernal attempts to open up to the discreetly beautiful Charlotte Gainsbourg while coping with his dream-obsessed mind, might as well be shaped and referred to as a dagger when presented to awkward males. Simply put, this movie hurts to watch; it creates a sort of mythical Catch-22 where the woman might be interested, but the man doesn't see it as such, so he blames her, he blames himself, and generally acts the fool all over the place until everything is ruined. The films' final scene states the final tragic idea in the most blatant way: life is so much better in dreams.



BEST TELEVISION DUO/TRIO

This has got to be Pam and Jim right i mean it basically dominated television for about two years and



Charlie, Dennis and The Waitress, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

OOOOOOOOH SNAP.

Charlie might be the best character on television right now. His actions are, of course, morally reprehensible for the most part, but unlike Dennis or Dee or Mac his poor actions come from ignorance. He can't read. He can't write. He has an excessively childlike mind. He huffs glue and paint. He lives in an efficiency with Danny DeVito. His life is so sad on so many levels, and it is only compounded by his love for The Waitress. From the first episode on, The Waitress rebuffs any and all of Charlie's advances with a mixture of scorn, disgust, and outright vitriol. She, however contains the same amount of unadulterated love for Dennis, who at various times turns her away or (more often) takes advantage of her emotions to gain something over the rest of his friends. In the midst of a terribly funny television show, this is easily one of the saddest love dynamics on television today.

Case in point: The episode "Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom". Charlie, suddenly given an amount of power over the rest of the crew thanks to Frank, uses his power to (of course) stop Dennis from having sex with the Waitress by having Dee show him attempt to hit on the various mothers of the other friends, who all are not interested. Charlie's desired effect, of course, is to influence The Waitress to lose her attraction to Dennis. Instead, she responds by having sex with Frank, thus turning Charlie's arguably one true win in the series into the shows' most poignant and tragic moment. Making it all the more heartbreaking for Charlie is his unwillingness to to stop: unlike The Waitress and her infatuation with Dennis, Charlie doesn't understand this is a losing game. Charlie, hopelessly, believe he can win her heart, no matter how off-putting or foul-smelling he may be.



BEST PLAY

The Glass Menagerie

In a play absolutely filled with both old and new unrequited love, the extent that it plays out with the two minor characters, Laura and Jim, is the strongest and most immediate. Laura, a young woman crippled more in mindset than body (though she acts oppositely), has spent her life since high school listening to old records, playing with her imaginary jungle of glass figurines, and nursing a love for the high school hero, Jim. Through stupid chance, the two are reunited in an attempt to find Laura a man. The minimal relationship between the two is rekindled ten-fold, she gains her change into the world of humans, they kiss...and he chooses this moment to reveal he is engaged to be married, never to return to the apartment and all its bizarre glory. It is the fragile edge the play walks along, and the moment it falls off is the end for all involved.

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I no rite. I post video.

Despite the fact that my life overflows with free time to the point where I'm experiencing the soul equivalent of central Iowa, writing just hurts too much. But I don't want to abandon my role in the blog completely, so here's a post.

One of the few things that KC and I agree on is the fact that Jeph Jacques is a douche. And while he doesn't write a gaming comic, nearly everything in this video applies to him. NSFW. (Also, there's an irritating commercial after the credits, so don't be afraid to hit "stop" when the British guy stops speed-talking.

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The Redemption of Amy Poehler

I dislike Amy Poehler. I can't think of any movie where she elevates the humor. On SNL, she's a detriment more than enjoyable. She's responsible for staring in one of the worst skits that show has had in year, the insufferable "Kaitlin". She took attention away from Tina Fey on Weekend Update, instead of being a deferent wax statue like Jimmy Fallon. She also does skits while also doing the Update, which just seems wrong. I hate her. Hate her baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

Buuut...

this news that she will be involved in a spinoff of 'The Office'...I'm optimistic. No, I did not get a pep talk from Miss Mordant (who gives Poehler way too much credit on a daily basis). I can't think of how many arguments we've had about things like sub-prime mortgages, cancer medication and whether calling chicks 'babes' is sexist or not that have devolved into a discussion of the general tolerability of Poehler. It generally looks something like this.

MM: She's funny
KC:Nu uh
MM:FUCK YOU
KC: AHHHHH

and out come the fungo bats.

However, that lady can deadpan and sound awkward, which are the two things you need to be successful on The Office unless your name is Jenna Fischer and you somehow were created by a focus group out of wholesale images taken from my head, and even she has to deadpan once in a while. The problem with Poehler is that she can't try to be funny. When she does she becomes a tiny blond ball of energy and shrieks until my TV tube explodes. If she plays a character like Steve Carrell, I'll probably like it.

Or she could just do this some more

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Momentary Greatness: Rilo Kiley

There is a danger in dissecting the single moments in songmost pregnant with beauty and meaning, particularly in stating the obvious. The purpose of this study is to isolate the unknown moments that help take a good song and make it extraordinary, not simply fellate an artist by pointing out the obvious.

For instance, one example that doesn't necessarily warrant an entire post is the Smashing Pumpkins' song "Day Dream" which is filled with novelty for the band's first album: it is sung by bassist D'arcy Wretzky, it features lush strings and an acoustic guitar riff. These all work to make the song so much more intimate and delicate than any others on the album, and there is a tiny moment that assists in the ultimate sonic landscape; near the end of the song, the cellist knocks the tip of the bow against the cello, making just a hollow wooden knack of a sound. Coming from a band so adored (hehe) for its penchant to perfectly polish in production, that very moment juts through to remind us that these are not robotic monsters performing these songs of 28 guitar tracks. These are people, one and all.

In general, the goal of this little feature is to document as many of these moments as possible; these little itty bitty things. However, that simply is not comprehensive enough. There are so many great moments in song that contain the full capacity to uplift, to sink, to destroy and to grow that we must be accepting of every single one, even if they do involve a level of stating the obvious. This very well could become somewhat tedious, evolving (or devolving) into the feature's equivalent of filing taxes. 'Could' is the gem of that sentence, because the inaugural such "duh" moment is true, pure magic.



Artist: Rilo Kiley
Album: The Execution of All Things
Song: "A Better Son/Daughter"
Time:1:35
Type:Seismic

Greatness: Here's another fault of picking the 16-inch Chicago-style softball moments: there is not much to say once you've heard the song. The moment doesn't affect the song as much as it decimates it, completely dynamiting the soft, old-tyme radio stylings of Jenny Lewis' vocals into a massive, expansive Hollywood epic of a song. The slow waltz beat of the song matched with the steady beat of snare transports the song from the stylings of an indie rock group into a melancholy march of the dead. The lyrical sentiment being put forth agrees for the most part, more or less stating that life is nothing but a struggle to make everyone you know love and care for you and for you to appear as such. The second-person perspective adds to this misery, particularly because Lewis sings the beginning lyrics from the first person; the "you" never sounds convincing enough to be anyone but Lewis herself. She is striving to make these problems something of a universal history for the modern American human, yet no one is fooled enough to believe that she is singing to another person save her own reflection.

What is remarkable about this moment is that it is satisfying in two ways: 1) the simple bombast is pleasurable enough and 2)from the moment the song begins you know it's coming. The album this song is featured, the erratic The Execution of All Things, has so many rough and odd moments that it is almost welcome for such a thing to be telegraphed, much like the also-wonderful title track.

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Overreacting or, Guys, Seriously Fuck You

Let's look at the anatomy of a bald-faced lie. First off, Jesse Jackson made an inconsequential comment about Barack Obama, saying he "wanted to cut his nuts off" with a smirk on his face and a crude gesture. Why is this inconsequential? Because it was obvious that 1) HE WAS FUCKING JOKING and 2) HOLY SHIT IT WAS A JOKE and 3) OH MY GOD ARE YOU THAT STUPID IT WAS A JOKE and 4) he said it when he thought he was not being filmed, which I'm positive unlocks all sorts of Pandora's Boxes (which sounds like a kick-awesome moving company) for all media personalities. One of those people is Bill O'Reilly, who I would bet has called Hillary Clinton a cunt in private. Seriously, I'd bet like $5,000 on that.

Anyway, here's Mr. O'Reilly



It is pretty telling that he spends the first half of the segment attempting to explain that he's not going to use conjecture about why Jackson might have said that, only to go on and do nothing but assume he knows why Jackson said it. If you don't know the circumstances, you probably shouldn't run with it. If you do know the circumstances, and the circumstances were "assumed privacy", again, probably shouldn't go with it. Oh my, the discourse of our fair nation.

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Blogroll Madness, or, Dear Lord I'm so Tired.

Hey there blogoslovakia. The KC is a bit tried because of his new job and nalnsdroeburhadnjlfndgaslghIM UP IM UP GOD.

So, yesterday the competent Miss put up a fun looking meme, and I do declare it sounds just to die for! It is also Atlanta circa 1840 here in Minnesota. The rules that we decided on is no overlapping of albums, and I'm going to try to avoid choosing artists that she so deftly swooped and plucked, much like the endangered California Condor. I will meekly attempt my way to tiptoe through my life, like the tiny Ortolan Bunting.

1987 - Appetite for Destruction - Guns N' Roses
1988 - Our Beloved Revolutionary Sweetheart - Camper Van Beethoven
1989 - Paul's Boutique - Beastie Boys
1990 - Goo - Sonic Youth
1991 - Steady Diet of Nothing - Fugazi
1992 - Good as I Been to You - Bob Dylan
1993 - Exile in Guyville - Liz Phair
1994 - Bee Thousand - Guided by Voices
1995 - Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness - The Smashing Pumpkins
1996 - Boys for Pele - Tori Amos
1997 - Perfect from Now On - Built to Spill
1998 - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea - Neutral Milk Hotel
1999 - Clarity - Jimmy Eat World
2000 - Fevers and Mirrors - Bright Eyes
2001 - Those Who Tell the Truth Shall Die, Those Who Tell the Truth Shall Live Forever - Explosions in the Sky
2002 - You Forgot it in People - Broken Social Scene
2003 - Her Majesty - The Decemberists
2004 - From a Basement on the Hill - Elliott Smith
2005 - EP - The Fiery Furnaces
2006 - Bring it Back - Mates of State
2007 - The Stage Names - Okkervil River
2008 - Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes

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Blogroll Madness: Extraneous Listing

Recent stumbles around the Internet have led me to a particularly self-centered meme for music addicts, in which one picks an album for every year of one's life. Of course, I found it on the AV Club blog but apparently it was also posted on Idolator. This exercise has proved difficult for me, since I only became culturally aware/obsessed in the past five years (and have been trying desperately to make up for it ever since.) Anyway, here's the list, and perhaps Mr. Combustible can cook one up as well. Isn't it great to think you know a little bit about music and suddenly realize that you don't at all?

1987 - Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me - The Cure
1988 - Naked - The Talking Heads
1989 - Like a Prayer - Madonna
1990 - Changesbowie - David Bowie
1991 - Nevermind - Nirvana
1992 - Gordon - The Barenaked Ladies
1993 - Pottymouth - Bratmobile
1994 - Weezer (The Blue Album) - Weezer
1995 - Insomniac - Green Day
1996 - Fashion Nugget - Cake
1997 - Aquarium - Aqua
1998 - XO - Elliott Smith
1999 - 69 Love Songs - Magnetic Fields
2000 - De Stijl - The White Stripes
2001 - Take Offs and Landings - Rilo Kiley
2002 - Yankee Hotel Foxtrot - Wilco
2003 - Give Up - Postal Service
2004 - Ratatat - Ratatat
2005 - Songs for Silverman - Ben Folds
2006 - Six Demon Bag - Man Man
2007 - Super Taranta - Gogol Bordello
2008 - Narrow Stairs - Death Cab for Cutie

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My Governor, the Lezbo

There is a chance that, even if you don't live in Minnesota, you know who Tim Pawlenty is. You might not know him as the Governor of this state; you may know him as that skeezy slightly-too-slick man on the television that speaks with an easy, flat tone. You may know him as ex-top cheerleader for the 2004 Bush Campaign, where his pom-pons waved so hard it has been said that the wind they generated was able to power all of Minnesota's wind energy supply from September-November 2004 (this is Minnesota, after all, where weird shit like a large man creating all our lakes and the amazing collapso-bridge happen). Or you may know him simply as a prime yet unsung candidate for Men who Look Like old Lesbians.

Yeah, that's right. The last two governors we've had have either resembled lesbians or been pro wrestlers. We're on the verge of possibly electing a professional comedian as Senator (something I am terribly in favor of). This is all old news. What isn't old news is the possibility of Tim Pawlenty being named the Veep candidate on the McCain ticket. He might have cut his trademark mullet, but there is a chance that this will suddenly become the face of Minnesota on a national level:



Fuck close enough.

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Stuff Hipsters Like: Redux

Posting a video that makes fun of blogging on a blog? Isn't that, like, meta, or something? Whoa. Commence noncommittal dancing.

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Stuff Hipsters Like: How To Fake Having Read The Infinite Jest

It could be argued that David Foster Wallace's The Infinite Jest is the new Ulysses--at least, in terms of its idolization by cool literary types. At its publication in 1996, the novel met with ecstatic praise of its postmodern structure and language. Today, even the basest literature minor can reference The Infinite Jest off the cuff. If you can't, don't feel bad. Just know that this is why you can't get dates with girls who like Vampire Weekend.

You could read The Infinite Jest. However, it's 1078 indecipherable pages long (including almost a hundred pages of equally unreadable footnotes) and you probably have stuff to do. But don't despair! Here's a list of things you can do to pretend you actually tried.


1. Do your research. There are dozens of reviews of the book online, and the first thing you'll realize is that not even the intellectual bigwigs have any idea what it's about. (This will prove useful later on.) However, reading the reviews will help you get a feel for some basic plot points and the names of the characters. Hint: the main character is called Hal Incandenza.

2. Page through a copy at the local bookstore. No need to buy the thing. Just open it up if you get the chance. Only then will you truly understand what a horrendous slog it is. Also, how the book is structured. Taking a quick look at the structure will give you a few good talking points. Hints: it's separated into mini-chapters, some of which are labeled with a year to suggest time changes.

3. Read or Sparknotes Henry IV instead. When somebody mentions Infinite Jest, launch into a discussion of one of its influences, no matter how obscure. In fact, link it to something completely unrelated that you know about and discuss that. This got me into Hampshire College.

4. Drop some catchphrases. Find a way to work the following into everyday conversation: "howling fantods", "Year of the Trial-Size Dove Bar", "I believe Hobbes is just Rousseau in a dark mirror." Don't understand what those phrases mean? Neither does anyone else.

5. Make shit up. The Infinite Jest is too long for anyone to memorize. Not even David Foster Wallace knows everything that happens in it. Therefore, if you come up with your own subplot, nobody will know. This step is a lot easier if you know the characters' names, but there are so many digressions that any random composite of names will probably produce a character from the novel. If you follow the simple formula: character name + dismal situation in a preapocalyptic future + drug use, you're golden. Mention a word with the suffix "textuality", i.e., intertextuality, metatextuality, for even more points.

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